So I was listening to this song and I decided it was time to write again. It's been a while but I guess I've been busy so I don't feel so bad.
I can't say that this song links so very directly to this post, I'm not afraid of everyone, I love you all very dearly. I am, however, in a near constant state of fear that no one I know (even those close to me) is really aware of. I've been feeling that I need to be more open lately and I have trouble relating feelings directly to other people so this was the best I could come up with.
I am deathly afraid of failure, I am also mortified at the thought of the unknown. As you can imagine this is a terrible combination for a soon to be college graduate without a job waiting for him when he finishes. I constantly find myself fearing that I won't be good enough and no one will hire me and everyone I know will think I'm a failure because I can't get a job. I'm afraid because I don't have any idea what's going to happen at the time when I graduate (as I write this sentence that is exactly 16 days, 9 hours and 57 minutes).
I don't want this fear to define my life, for the next 2+ weeks 'til graduation or for the rest of my life. I want to have peace with the uncertainty of my future and peace with the understanding that a job is not who I am. So much of the last three and a half years of my life has been focused on getting a job when graduation arrives that I've convinced myself that a job is my goal but that's not entirely true. I feel that the job I will hopefully get in the near future will be a part of my life but it will not define me as a person. I will not be my job. With that understanding I have to be at peace with what is both a relieving and somewhat uncomfortable truth: whether I get a job soon or not doesn't alter who I am. No matter how much of my recent focus has been on honing job skills and writing resumes the job I may or may not get does not encompass everything that is me.
Someday I hope to get to a point where I can wholeheartedly understand this concept. I want to be able to be content whether I'm earning a six figures or mopping floors for minimum wage but I'm not at that point in my life right now.
Looking back on this I'm not sure there's any resolution here... and maybe there never will be. I'm also not looking for pity or for comfort but I think it's important that people who care about me know that I'm afraid. Anybody else?
